So for the past two months I didn't feel like heading out for a night out because I didn't want to put on make up and possibly prolong this annoying, bumpy rash on my face. I'd refused to let anyone take photos of me and found myself reluctant to socialise in a public setting with people. Then my wonderful, darling husband said something to make me stop and re-evaluate my behaviour, "You're always beautiful to me." No words are sweeter to your ears when you're feeling down about how you look.
So I sucked it up and went out to meet a friend in the pub a few weeks ago, accidentally picking a night that the pub would be packed with football fans for the match! I groaned when I saw the sign outside the door and realised that our quiet night out was going to be anything but. As tempting as it might be to turn around and head somewhere else in that situation I implore you not too. Grit your pearly whites and keep moving forward. It's worth it.
That evening was a short one as we didn't have dinner before we headed out but it was great to catch up with my friend who I hadn't seen in a while and hear about the wonderful things that were going on in their life. And I completely forgot that I had what looked like bad acne on my cheek or that I wasn't wearing make up. I felt like myself again; chatting away and catching up on all the gossip that I'd missed, never once feeling self concious while I was talking to them and delighting in the feeling of being out and about again.
I've been accused of caring too much about what others think but that wasn't why I was so down about having rosacea. There is this impossible picture in my head of the person I want to be, and I doubt I'm the only one with this. I want to be someone that is so much more than how I see myself, someone who can make others people's lives better by being a part of it, someone who is to be aspired to. Maybe one day I'll get there but in all honesty I doubt it. That impossible picture is the best version of myself, without all those little flaws that make a person human. If I were to ever achieve it what else is there to work for?
And yes I dread the idea of being that perfect version of myself even as I work towards it. Because who I am now is someone that my friends enjoy talking to, whose advice or idiot comments help (even if it's not in the way that I was aiming for). Who I am is what I have to work with and lamenting the lack of perfection is like saying that I don't deserve what I have now. The things I have now I've worked for and whether or not I deserve them in the grand scheme of things is irrelevant to me, because I'm not giving them up.
Perfection is boring, I'll stick with being weird and interesting thank you.
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